Hi friend, ❤️
I’m glad you’re here. This is a space I created for you to feel seen, without the pressure to be vulnerable.
Think of this as an invitation to my journal, where I will share some of the adversities I’ve faced. I write about the challenges that kept me in a place of shame for a long time. Some of the adversities were things I did to myself, and others were things that happened to me, but shame is no longer welcome. I believe the only way for me to continue to move forward is to shine a light on my darkness.
I’ve learned to “make my own sunshine,” and I’d like to share my journey with you, so you don’t have to feel alone under those grey clouds anymore. Believe me, I still have days where I’m under those dark clouds, but now, I have more sunny days than I have cloudy days. There are storms too, but the storms aren’t created by me anymore, like they used to be.
I honestly never thought I’d make it. Well, I was pretty sure I’d “make it”, but not like this. I didn’t think I’d ever have joy. I always imagined I’d forever be enslaved to becoming whatever people wanted me to be, because how could I trust myself to be myself? It never worked before. No matter how much I achieved or how many people told me how great I was, I couldn’t shake the resentments I was carrying. Yes, I had resentments against others, but mostly my resentments were against myself.
How could I do this to myself? I wouldn’t treat my biggest enemy the way I’ve treated myself.
Becoming my dad’s drug dealer in high school, in an effort to become valuable to him, was the beginning of my journey to becoming someone I’m not. I did it in order to receive love.
“Dumpster-diving for love” is what I’ll call it. I have repeated those patterns many times in my adult life, both professionally and personally.
Living a transactional life, and seeking conditional love, weighed me down with addiction, codependency, shame, low self-worth, and behaviors that are not in alignment with the person I’ve always known I was created to be.
Intuitively, I knew I wasn’t living up to what God created me to be, but I didn’t know how to change.
I felt permanently damaged. I felt like I was a piece of abstract art that was considered ugly, unless someone provided validation that I was pretty. Still, those fleeting affirmations did nothing for my heart when there was a hole in my soul.
How was I going to decide for myself that I was enough? How was I going to find love if I didn’t know how to give it? How would I give love if I never had it?
I tried to read those sweet Christian books with “cute mom” authors. I couldn’t relate. I was a girl boss that clung to independence, wearing “man-hating” armor to protect myself. I was a rebellious person who always craved chaos, even though the chaos caused me problems. I didn’t understand why I continued to want things that weren’t good for me. Self-care? Getting drunk is what self-care looked like for me. Once the armor I used for protection became too heavy, I needed someone I could relate to. I craved someone who could get a little dark for me, because that was what was familiar.
That’s why I’m inviting you to take a look into my darkness – but with a light.
My journey hasn’t been sweet or cute. It’s been messy, like a Lifetime movie, but it’s starting to evolve into a Hallmark movie. It’s something I never thought possible for myself.
I wanted to learn from a woman who fought like hell against her own desires; who nearly let her addictions sabotage it all. I wanted to see a woman who went from thinking it was fun to harm herself to believing she deserved to love herself. I wanted to connect with a woman who could be both successful and fulfilled; who had passion and purpose. I wanted to see a woman who believed she could have it all, even though she lost everything.
That woman is me. I spent so much time seeking someone outside of myself, that I didn’t realize that she was inside of me, all this time. That woman is me.
I am going to be the person I need for myself, and for you.
I hope this blog inspires you to laugh, cry, feel, and heal.
I want you to know that you are not alone, and the person you are seeking inspiration from is inside of you, too. I can’t wait until you find them. Until then, I’ll sit here with you.
Let’s heal together.
Love,
Cheri Chafin