The following is an excerpt from Cheri’s upcoming book (title and release date to be announced).
Day 6: Ignoring Jesus
“So, as the Holy Spirit says: ‘Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion, during the time of testing in the wilderness.’”
Hebrews 3:7–8
It is hard to live with conviction. It is hard to choose the right thing to do when the world says it’s okay to do the wrong thing. The Holy Spirit will convict us when we are doing something that isn’t pleasing to God. Conviction is not the same as shame, although many people confuse the two — including me.
Conviction is when the Holy Spirit makes someone aware of their sin and gives them a desire to turn away from it. The devil loves to confuse us, making us believe that conviction is condemnation.
The Bible tells us that “there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1). The devil tries to get us to believe that God is shaming us, so we will want to ignore Jesus. Think about it. If you were shamed by a therapist, would you go back? No! When your friend is shaming you, do you want to spend time with them? Of course not. If we allow the devil to let us believe that Jesus is shaming us, we will find comfort elsewhere. Unfortunately, anywhere we try to find relief from our pain other than in the arms of the living God is a trap the devil sets for God’s children. That’s when the shame spirals out of control. The place we go for comfort (drugs, sex, work, pornography) brings more shame, which leads to seeking more comfort, which leads to more shame. This spirals into a deep pit of despair we can’t get out of.
On Christmas Eve 2018, I was driving to my mom’s house, about an hour and a half away from me. Typically, it was an easy drive. I would drink some alcohol and listen to music, but I couldn’t that year because I had to keep a breathalyzer in my car for a year as one of the conditions of my latest DWI. I’m not sure why I liked to drink and drive instead of just drinking at home. I assume it was the same reason why I would pace when talking on the phone. I always needed to be in motion or else my body was set on fire with feelings.
With two months sober, I was hearing God’s quiet whispers. He was really putting it on my heart not to drink. Looking back, I know he was giving me a way out and giving me strength to resist temptation. I just didn’t want to receive the peace he was offering, so that Christmas it was a long, anxious drive. I had never greeted my family without at least a little bit of alcohol running through my bloodstream. The dysfunction in my family was very hard for me to handle emotionally. It was easier for me to drown my resentment than accept responsibility for my own life.
There is zero healing with that approach. It gives everyone but you power over your feelings. If the way others behave affects how you feel, you are not allowing Jesus to be in control of your life. That’s why we need to surrender daily. People are always going to disappoint us, so we need Jesus to comfort us.
On the way, I stopped at the liquor store to get some vodka. Something (God) kept telling me to get a case of sparkling water. The last five minutes of the drive to my mom’s house, I had so much anticipation for that handle of vodka in my passenger seat. It was sitting on top of the case of sparkling water and next to a bottle of blue Gatorade.
That was my thing before I went just about anywhere. I would park, open my car door, pour out three-quarters of the Gatorade, and replace it with vodka, the more odorless booze. After two months of not drinking, I could feel that first drink go down my throat and coat my belly. The feeling of the alcohol blanketing my insides was one of my favorite feelings. Alcohol was my security blankie. Today, I’m blanketed with the peace of the Holy Spirit, but back then, I was accepting what the enemy had to offer.
I walked into my mom’s house peppy and smiley because, like a fussy toddler, I finally had my blankie in hand. It was a typical family Christmas. Lots of drinking and a gift exchange. I was successfully drinking the sparkling water I bought in between every alcoholic drink I had to keep me “sober.” I believed that if I didn’t black out, I did not get too drunk.
During the gift exchange, I received this really neat lava lamp with jellyfish in it. By the end of the night, most of my family were drunk. I was practically drinking my Topo Chico with my pinky up because I felt so much pride that I was the least drunk. I did it, I thought. It was the first time for as long as I could remember that I controlled myself. It was about three in the morning, and I was sitting alone on the bar stool, relishing in my success that I had beat alcoholism.
As the jellyfish went up and down in the lamp, I had a thought. If I name the jellyfish, and remember their names when I wake up, I am not an alcoholic. So that’s what I did. I named them Kirby and Oscar and went to bed.
The next morning came in just a few short hours. I lay there with my eyes open. I didn’t have a headache, but I was more anxious than I had been when I wasn’t drinking. I thought, You have got to be kidding me. All of this time I’ve been drinking to solve my anxiety, but is it actually causing it! I shuffled into the kitchen to make coffee. I wasn’t surprised that I was the first one awake. I’ve always been an early bird, even when I was drinking. I lifted myself up on the bar stool, looked at the jelly fish in the lamp, and said, “Kirby, Oscar, I think I’m done drinking.”
Journal Prompt
Dear God,
Lately you have been convicting my heart of __________. I haven’t listened because I’ve found counterfeit comfort in ___________.