The following is an excerpt from Cheri’s upcoming book (title to be announced).
I viewed God as a man that was holding a magnifying glass over my body, watching me squirm like an ant burning from the heat from the sun while laughing. “Muahhahaha! Squirm, Cheri! All for my glory!”
You may be wondering, why would I serve a God like that? Well, to put it simply, I didn’t trust myself to do any better. Until I got sober, I lived a very self-destructive lifestyle that harmed myself and others. While squirming like an ant, I had faith that whatever happened in my life would be all I could hope for. I knew that “all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose,” (Romans 8:28), but I did not trust that I would have a happy life. I thought that “all things God works together for the good of those who love him” simply meant that God would use me to help others, or someone would somehow benefit from my pain. I never imagined the word good would be reserved for me. My shame caused me to believe I was a bad person instead of a person that did bad things. I didn’t feel like I deserved to live happily ever after, so I would push away the gifts God tried to give me to avoid getting my hopes up and being disappointed. I struggled with addiction for fifteen years. Life seemed unfair for most of my adult life, and I often felt like a victim.
When I was trying to change my habits, I was disappointed with some popular Christian self-help books. When are they going to talk about the bad things they did before they became a Christian? I thought. I really struggled to relate to the young mom who felt convicted when gossiping about another mom at a PTA meeting. Heck, one time I met a PTA suburban housewife in the parking lot of a school to sell her drugs behind her husband’s back.
Maybe I was wrong, but at the time I felt like they weren’t being honest about their true struggles. Back then, I thought my life was normal. I felt like everyone had been through similar things I was going through and that they must’ve just handled it better than I had. The irony is many of the women I speak to in prison probably see me as some perfect girl who doesn’t get in trouble. I’m far from perfect, but I do live a pretty stable life these days. I wake up early, go to bed early, go to church every Sunday, and I tithe. I’m consistent with going to the gym, and I read my Bible daily. This is a life I didn’t know I could ever have, and quite frankly, I didn’t want it. It seemed boring.
After reading a few Christian books, I decided I would write one for the “bad girls” who wanted to be good but didn’t know how. That was me. I didn’t know I was worthy enough to wear cute Easter dresses or be invited to brunch with church folk. I felt like I always needed to be the tough girl that was a little rough around the edges. Looking back, it was just a mask I wore to keep myself safe from feeling rejected. I didn’t understand at the time that I could just simply change my mind and start behaving differently. I felt like other people had put me in a certain category and wanted me to stay there. Well, shame made me feel that way, anyways. I felt like I had a bad streak that everyone could see. That I was too broken to have a good life or be a wife to a husband that valued me for who I am and not what I do. I was afraid that anytime I did something different, like decide to get sober or dress differently, people would remind me of who I used to be. And they did. In fact, it still happens. The difference between then and now is that I don’t take it personally now.
I’ve healed now and worked through my stuff enough to know that those who want to keep me in a box are projecting their own insecurities. Sometimes your failures make others feel better about themselves, and your success can do the opposite. Sometimes they are simply protecting themselves from disappointment—especially if you’ve hurt them with your addictions. My point is, often when someone reminds you of who you were, they are not doing it to harm you. They are just doing it. Understand that it’s all part of changing your life. If it were easy and felt good, everyone would do it. It took time for you to build your old reputation, and it will take time to build a new reputation.
If you are in a season of transformation, keep going. God is going to bring new people into your life who pour into you as you become the person that will attract those people. If I could go back in time, I would spend less time convincing others who I was becoming and why I was doing it. That was just me trying to convince others, so I could eventually convince myself, because I didn’t fully believe it was possible for me. My worth was still in what the world thought of me, not what God thought of me.
Many people I have worked with are church hurt. They were hurt by the church and have formed an opinion about Christians. I understand. I formed an opinion about men and vowed to never trust another man again or get married. Yet I went back to men and bars over and over even though they caused me pain. I never blamed the place, but instead I blamed God for not being there for me. How many times did you go back to a person or place that hurt you?
I found so many reasons to justify not going to church, starting with calling what I thought were the Christian hypocrites. I wasn’t wrong in thinking that way, and neither are you. Even Jesus called the Pharisees hypocrites. You can read the red letters for yourself in Matthew 23:13. If you are new to reading the Bible, the red letters are words that Jesus actually spoke. I tried to only focus on reading the red letters when I began having a relationship with God, because the other stuff gave me too many questions.
You may have been hurt by religious people, but how many non-religious people have hurt you? Here’s the thing; we are all broken. People in the bar, people in the church, people in our own households. This is where the cycle of prayer, purpose, patience, provision, people, and pain come into play. We can’t avoid being let down, but we can lean on God for help and understanding.
I would quit going to church when I saw one thing happen that I didn’t like, yet I would be in places that had several bad things going on because it was good for my business or ego. God has changed my mindset. I won’t stay in places that don’t align with what God wants for me, but I will continue to go to church.
At first, when I went to church, I felt just like a number. That worked for me because I wanted to come late, leave early, and blend in. If that’s how you feel, that’s okay. God knows your heart and will be patient with you. Talk to him and let him know how you feel. Now, I am part of a congregation that notices if I am not there and will text me if I miss service. I have an amazing relationship with the pastor and can call or text him anytime for prayer or guidance. At some point I wanted to do life with people and not just be a number. It takes persistence, but it’s important. God is not glorified when we turn our backs on something that is supposed to make us better.
I know this can be really hard for some of you to read and even potentially make you feel angry. It’s okay. Be angry. Cry. Scream. Tell God how you feel about church and Him. God wants your passion and your emotions. He wants a relationship with you. Just like you become passionate enough to fight with a spouse, God expects us to be passionate enough to fight with him. Tell him how you’re hurting. He can handle it, because he already knows. Ask him for help.
Journal Entry Prompt
Dear God,
The way I viewed you is _______________________________________________________________________________________
This has affected my relationship with you. Please reveal your true nature to me by
__________________________________________________________________________________________